How to Bang a Billionaire by Alexis Hall

Narrated by Joel Leslie

I don’t think it’s a secret to anyone who reads or listens regularly to romances that the Arden St. Ives trilogy (of which How to Bang a Billionaire is book one) is similar in its premise to E.L. James’ Fifty Shades trilogy. A young student/wannabe journalist meets a hotter-than-hell billionaire and, after negotiating a contract, kinky sex ensues. That’s pretty much the extent of my knowledge of Fifty Shades as I’ve neither read nor listened to any of the books, but that at least means I can make an assessment of HTBAB based purely on my reaction to the story and overall enjoyment of both it and the narration. Which, I’ll say now, is outstanding.

Twenty-year-old Arden St. Ives is in his third year reading English at Oxford. He’s taken the place – at the end of a phone line – of a sick friend in a telethon to raise funds for (the fictional) St. Sebastian’s College, but isn’t having a lot of luck with the list of college alumni he’s been given to cold-call. Remembering advice he’d been given about putting a smile in his voice, he dials the next number and this time, manages to get out more than just his name before the person at the other end hangs up. In fact, he ends up having an actual conversation with Caspian Hart, whom Arden is somewhat shocked to realise (from looking at his cheat-sheet) is a billionaire. Several times over. Who also has a sexy voice, a gently flirtatious manner and who – unexpectedly – takes the time to have a proper conversation, at the end of which Arden remembers to invite him to the gala dinner being held in a few weeks’ time. He’s not surprised when Caspian doesn’t commit – billions don’t make themselves after all – which is why he’s knocked sideways when he’s getting ready for the dinner and is told that there’s a Mr. Hart waiting for him downstairs.

The whole story is told from Arden’s point of view, so we’re in his head – and what a delightful head it is – all the time. He’s quirky, funny, self-deprecating and under no illusions about himself whatsoever – unless it’s the one that he’s nothing special, which Caspian frequently disputes. Arden’s inner monologues are peppered with pop culture references, sometimes embarrassing, frequently hilarious (and perhaps sometimes just a bit rambly) and both the author and narrator have done a fabulous job of showing the listener exactly what it is about him that so captivates the enigmatic, tightly-controlled Caspian. Arden – with his “I’m nothing special” hat on – can’t quite believe a man like Caspian is interested in him, but being a glass-half-full type, decides to go with it. He’s got nothing to lose after all – Caspian is beautiful, he’s interested and Arden doesn’t do relationships anyway, so he’s definitely up for a few bouts of what is bound to be really, really hot sex.

Oh, Arden…

Also brilliantly conveyed is that fact that Caspian absolutely IS completely smitten; after the phone call, after the dinner, Arden doesn’t expect to see or hear from Caspian again, but each time, he’s proven wrong. Caspian calls him the night before his final exams, knowing he must be nervous; he turns up out of the blue just when Arden needs extricating from a potentially dangerous situation; and, having accepted (just a bit begrudgingly) that he wants Arden in his life in some shape or form, then explains he wants to have sex with him on a “short-term pre-arranged basis”. He makes clear his rules – Arden is available whenever Caspian wants, he isn’t to expect things Caspian can’t give and they set an end date; and in return Arden gets to live in Caspian’s incredible Hyde Park apartment and do whatever he wants at Caspian’s expense. Arden is a bit uneasy about that – he doesn’t want Caspian’s money, he just wants Caspian, but half a loaf is better than none, sooooo… he’s okay with it.

Until he begins to realise exactly how boring being a “kept man” is, and to understand that even when Caspian is physically present, he’s not there emotionally. Yet Arden is fascinated by the man he glimpses occasionally behind the controlled façade Caspian has erected, a man who is warm and funny, with a great capacity for tenderness and affection – and Arden is desperate to know and see that man more often. Caspian’s lack of emotional availability is very skilfully conveyed through his general cluelessness (which is almost endearing) as to how to treat Arden outside the bedroom, and through the book’s sex scenes, which differ vastly in emotional resonance. When the pair finally have (penetrative) sex, the scene is almost (pardon the pun!) anti-climactic; it’s not particularly sexy, and is nowhere near as hot as the earlier scene in which Caspian treats Arden to a bout of phone-sex. To paraphrase something Arden says later, he’d felt closer to Caspian when he’d been at the other end of a phone line than when Caspian had been inside him.

This book just hints at the darkness that lies beneath Caspian’s restrained exterior and although he’s – deliberately – rather distant in this story, it’s clear that he’s a complex, damaged man, things I expect will come to the fore in the stories that follow. Potential listeners should be aware that while there is a very firm HFN at the end of this first instalment in the trilogy, Caspian and Arden have a long way to go in order to reach the promised (and yes, Alexis Hall has promised one!) HEA. In fact, knowing what happens in book two, I’ve decided not to listen to it until book three comes out; which, sadly, seems won’t be until early 2019. With that said, however, it’s possible to listen to and enjoy How to Bang a Billionaire on its own; I went in knowing there were two more books to come and still thoroughly enjoyed the listen.

There’s no question that Alexis Hall is a fantastic writer, but I have to say that I’m really glad I opted to listen to HTBAB rather than to read it, because the combination of his writing and Joel Leslie’s superb performance make for a truly memorable listening experience. I don’t know if Mr. Hall had any input into the choice of narrator for this project, but whatever the case, whoever is responsible for casting deserves a medal, because Mr. Leslie is simply perfect as Arden. I don’t say this about many narrators, but he doesn’t merely perform, he inhabits the character, and captures every bit of Arden’s nerdy, voluble, loving and generous personality. Arden talks a mile a minute and thinks it, too – he has a tendency to put his foot in his mouth and his internal monologues are frequently very funny; and if there is one fault with the book, it’s that the author sometimes gets a bit carried away with the internalisation and tends to meander a bit. Quite honestly, Joel Leslie doesn’t put a foot wrong with his interpretation of Arden, right from the false, bright and breezy tone he tries to adopt for the telethon to the irritation and anguish he feels over Caspian’s unwillingness to believe that Arden knows what he wants and his refusal to believe Caspian’s BS – he hits all the emotional high notes, low notes and notes in between. The same is true of his portrayal of Caspian, to whom he assigns a lower-pitched, (very sexy) tone and a coolly measured manner of delivery that speaks perfectly to his reserved nature. He’s a bit of an enigma in this book, but Mr. Leslie has a nice line in dead-pan humour and does a wonderful job of conveying the depth of Caspian’s affection for Arden. Arden might not see it, but we can definitely hear it, and we also hear those very few moments when the uptight control-freak comes just the tiniest bit unhinged – which are moments Arden prizes very much.

Other characters are expertly differentiated, from Arden’s best friend, Nik to Caspian’s screwed-up sister, Ellery, and his pert PA, Penrose – and while I suspect some may find the pacing to be a little on the fast side, I thought it was spot on, given that most of the time, Arden’s personality is akin to that of a Duracell Bunny on acid.

Great story + great characters + great narration = great listen. If you haven’t already snapped up How to Bang a Billionaire, then make sure it’s on your radar, your wish list or queued up on your listening device of choice. And then you can join me in the nail-biting wait for book three followed by a binge-listen to the entire trilogy.

Caz